Posted by: onefromspirit | February 14, 2012

Why am I not exactly who I want to be??????

Am I blocking? Let’s get good at recognizing blocks. If you just thought that you might not be good at discovering blocks then you’ve identified your first block. Any thought that isn’t supporting you is a block. If it’s not helping it’s probably hurting. If you don’t think that you have any blocks, if you are not joyfully embracing a full magical life than you are blocking. Try to pay attention and eradicate those blocks from your life. Everyday in every way you’re getting better and better.

Posted by: onefromspirit | February 13, 2012

Focus, what focus?

So today, I am practicing my mindfulness full tilt. What are my emotions and are those emotions, feelings, inclinations the ones that I need to stay on my chosen path or are they a detour. While detours may be great for learning sometimes we just want to go from Point A to Point B. Sometimes there are detours that are out of our control or at least they are seemingly so. Sometimes our feelings and the fire that they can bring motivate us to make the necessary changes in our lives to move forward. So it probably won’t always be happiness and light but isn’t that the goal. Abraham said one time, “You can’t have a happy ending to an unhappy journey.” Perhaps you can have a tiny setback or two as long as your main over-riding desire and goal is to maintain joy.

Posted by: onefromspirit | February 8, 2012

David Simon died last week…………….

Death doesn’t scare me; perhaps the act of dying does give me some pause. When David Simon died last week, it renewed my realization of just how little control we have over our life here. Maybe we did plan this all out before we came here or made some sort of agreement but once here we don’t recall that agreement. It reminds one of the biblical “why has thou forsaken me.” David Simon was brilliant and shared his brilliance, love and warmth with the world. I guess I thought that if anyone could control the path of their lives, it would be Deepak and David. To grow old gracefully and become even more wizened sages. Cool to the nth degree, well at least to me. To show us all that it could be done; that aging is an illusion.

So I guess it all comes back to how should we live our lives here and that brings us back to the same old question, why are we here? Is this an illusion; a dream of a bored godhead. If that is the case does it matter at all what we do or don’t do. Perhaps we should try to be as amusing as possible? Is it a game that we play with our “friends” and if so then how do we win? And once again, does it matter at all what we do or don’t do. Perhaps it is a school and we are to learn to be a certain way or to gather certain attributes. If that was the case it would be helpful if we were sent along with some study materials.

With the absence of those study materials or any definitive clues, what do we have. For me it always comes down to my feelings. Why is it that some actions in life feel right and others don’t feel so good? Some things that we do sustain us while others leave us drained. Is it okay to build a life around the good feeling actions and to limit the draining ones. Many of the good feeling actions involve helping others not just lying in hammock all day sipping lemonade although some of that would be nice. I’ve noticed the nice ones don’t haunt me. You know what I mean. The monkey mind that keeps us from focusing in the moment and robs us of our restorative sleep. What would life be like without those and how do we create that life. First I think that we have to reach some sort of realness within ourselves so that we are honestly able to feel the difference quickly and clearly. How can we do this? Since it’s our internal or personal guidance system that we are talking about I think that we need to go there and spend some good quality time there. We need to limit distractions. Stop watching and listening to the sky is falling news. That creates bad feelings within us when whatever is happening doesn’t actually directly affect our lives. What is wrong right now, in this moment. Stay in the moment. Feel the vastness inside each moment. Keep bring yourself back to this moment. Treat yourself as a small child just setting out on your journey. What would be good exposures? Art, music, dancing, nature, playing in the water, building sandcastles, making beautiful delicious food, loving encounters, quiet reflection, sweet puppy kisses, sunrises and sunsets and so on. The list is really up to what you love and what nurtures your soul. Limit your time spent with negative people and that is not possible learn to put that person in perspective. It is not you; it is them. It is not your feelings; it is their feelings. My Mom always said consider the source. It’s good advice. Some people aren’t ready to embrace life with joy and that’s okay because it’s their life and they can do it the way they want, just the way you get to live your life the way you want.

Of course, none of this answers the many whys of death. I always feel that some questions are just to vast for our current perspective and I think this causes many of our sadness and fear. I think that is why so many people flock to religions but that is a discussion for another day.

Posted by: onefromspirit | January 4, 2011

A New Year….

For many of my adult years, I’ve struggled with the New Year’s Celebration with much of it’s focus on resolutions and such. I wouldn’t really think about it much and then on New Year’s Eve or worse, New Year’s Day someone would give me pen and paper to record my resolutions. I was just not prepared. So I’ve been trying a different strategy. Starting in the fall, I begin thinking about my year. What worked, what bombed, what did I love, like, hate, etc, etc. What excites me? I accumulate all of those ideas, answers, dreams and then when the New Year comes I am ready to begin to implement my new ideas and let go of habits and beliefs that no longer serve me. This year I am also completing a dream or vision board at this time. While boarding is not new to me, it is the first time I am preparing one at the start of a new year focusing on change with the support of the collective energy of most of our world. So, Happy New Year to You!

 

Posted by: onefromspirit | November 16, 2010

The Mundane versus the Mindful

A big deadline looming and also planning for my solo retreat has my head spinning around balance. How can one truly live the life of a spiritual seeker when that same being is also a spouse, parent, business owner, friend, painter, etc, etc? I keep coming back to mindfulness and balance. Will a couple of days away give me that balance? No way…but it might give me insight into how to live more tapped into each moment.

I’ve spent the last year working to eradicate drama from my days. I will admit I am attracted to drama and at the same time it repulses me. Is drama my enemy? Is it just another distraction or perhaps a teacher? I have become more mindful of my own drama moments as I have cleared the drama people from my friends and clients. With some of the people I had heartfelt conversations about the why of my actions and most of them acknowledged their patterns but felt powerless to change. By having those conversations, I did begin to see similiarities in behavior patterns in the people who I am drawn and my own behavior. I like to come to the rescue. I’m sure that it helps my ego but more importantly it’s a huge distraction. It’s so important to save the world or the latest drama person friend or client that you can’t possibly stop that to become enlightened or perhaps even just a bit balanced. All of my issues have to be put on the back burner until the crisis, however insane it might be, has been adverted. The problem is that, the issues that were put on the back burner were really placed in a tank with super fertile soil and grow lights. Ignored issues seem to multiply and flourish which makes them even more attractive to defer. I’m sensing a vicious circle here – how about you?

So I’ve been thinking a great deal about creative talent and how our lives can support or squash it. How many times have you heard about a great writer, painter, musician, etc that their art had to come out?? There was no way to stop them! I bet there was a way to stop most, if not all of them. Thankfully in some way they were able to make the space and time to do their art. Many times the successful ones have stories about a parent, aunt, brother or mentor that supported and encouraged them to pursue their passion.  I have sung in choirs with people who were incredibly talented and who will never sing professionally and only in the church, school or community choirs as time allows from their busy lives.

I also talk to people often about their life’s purpose and why are “they” here now. Wow wouldn’t it be something if their stifled talent and passion was their life’s purpose. So many people are working on answering that question. There are books about it, retreats you can attend and DVDs you can watch. I believe that we come here either with answers to the questions that need to be answered or the ability to access that information. Although for most of us it seems to be an elusive question. One that takes our whole attention to answer. In these days of power multi-tasking our whole attention can be difficult to maintain. How to hold the focus to answer what might be the single most important question of your current life or to make the space in our busy heads for that answer to come forth. Meditation comes to mind immediately. A friend mentioned years earlier he had attended a silent retreat and that the experience was very helpful for him. I was amazed to find that retreats, silent and otherwise are a hot ticket. Many of the retreats book a year or six months in advance within hours of being announced. Wow, who knew. Many people it seems.

So I want to retreat sooner than six months from now. Can I just go rent a place and call it a self retreat?? How do I do that? So I started looking into what makes a good retreat. A calming beautiful place is a good start. Many retreats are near the ocean or in the mountains.  Normally all of your meals are prepared for you. So you could take prepared foods with you or bring easy to prepare meals focusing on being mindful during that process. One sticky point that comes up in self retreat that I don’t have a solution for yet is what happens if I want to talk to a teacher, master, guru, etc. I spent about three years in a mysteries school taking copious notes and doing homework assignments from my teachers so I one to  never ask for help but I think for this journey alone is maybe the best for me. I truly believe the answers are available to me so they must be. And I will journal and if any questions come up during the retreat I can pursue the answers afterward. So I’m off to find a spot to hang out and spend some time inside me.

Posted by: onefromspirit | March 5, 2010

self-worth

Self worth is my struggle lately. It’s probably been an issue always but I’ve dealt with it quite effectively by being a workaholic and intelligent. It was even hard for me to write intelligent. I’ve had people call me scary smart but I have never said that except to quote other people. I think that the only reason I’ve succeeded in anything is because I’ve worked very hard and sacrificed my time and energy.

Okay so let’s think about that for a minute. If I truly believe that my energy creates my reality than gosh no wonder my reality is not exactly where I want to be. So I masquerade as a competent professional while many times on the inside I just want to curl up and disappear or at least take a long nap.

I’ve been doing what I do for over twenty years and am good at it. I have worked for many people who would have fired me in an instant if I wasn’t good at it and for many years I rode that flying carpet of their opinion of me. It never crashed much to my amazement; there were some bumps in the road a couple of times. Those bumps typically came when a major tragedy would occur in my life because I made sure that I was responsible for so much that I couldn’t afford to have a bad time of it – not for more than perhaps half a day.

Every position I’ve had for the past 30 years I would take on more and more tasks until I was always doing the work of multiple people. In one job I worked for a municipality and three people retired or were promoted to other positions and I absorbed their work…three people…no extra money…no pat on the back…I think that I’m starting to see that my issues have issues.

All of this is coming to my attention now because I moved three thousand miles away to a city where except for my husband and daughter who moved with me, I didn’t know anyone and in my infinite wisdom(can you just feel the sarcasm) I decided to start my own firm instead of working for one. So let me repeat that, I moved three thousand miles away from everyone I knew and decided to start a business that depends on referrals from other people, mostly other clients.

And guess what, for the most part it’s been successful. I’ve gained clients every year at a reasonable rate. Most stay around and seem satisfied, some enough to refer other clients to me. The part that has fallen completely flat – the numbers. I don’t charge enough because of these self-worth issues so I haven’t been able to pay myself at all for about three years. I’ve eaten through savings. My husband needs a new car and well how can we do that when I have the “business” that I am nursing along. It just has to stop. I need to decide I am a competent, even occasionally brilliant person and I deserve to be well compensated. I am not on sale, clearance, the mark down table, none of that. That even though I do sometimes make mistakes I still have worth.

I really have a hang up about mistakes. I must have decided in my infancy that I was never supposed to error. Only recently I have a started to realize that yes I will make mistakes and to plan ways to catch them so that they won’t do any great harm. I think that in the past the main mistakes that I’ve made were so I could get out of situations that I was in where I didn’t know how to leave; whether it was a job or a relationship.

All of this was set off because I’ve been very diligent lately about billing and I’ve even started using engagement letters again. How engagement letters became anything but compulsory to me I don’t remember but they disappeared from my routine for the last couple of years. I know when I first started my company I used them and then I didn’t.

Anyway I sent a late notice bill to someone who I did two returns for and in a very nice way demanded payment. I even said that monthly payments were fine and we’re taking about less than $500. The work was completed in 2008 and I should have been paid a long time ago. In her defense she had suffered a tragedy. Her husband had taken his own life and she was left to go on. And she has definitely gone on; she’s now married to someone new and has a baby.

She decided to take me up on my offer and sent me an installment along with a card with a three page note basically telling me what an awful person I was taking advantage of her in her weakened state. Okay so my first reaction was complete surprise.

You see I picked up this work from her about a week before it was due and normally would have filed an extension. She didn’t want that because she wanted it put behind her so that she could move on with her life so I exhausted my self getting it done with all of the other balls that were already in the air. I remember even staying up one night until about three in the morning working on it so that she could get the closure that she desired. I finished it a day or so before the deadline and left word for her to call me. And I waited and waited. She called me the day that it was due. She was working. Maybe I could bring it to her. I did and then I took it to the post office for her. Because hey, isn’t she my one and only client in the whole world, right.

So now this same self-important women is calling me out because I charged her too much. My second reaction was fury. She states in her note she used me because she thought I would be less expensive than a large firm. Well guess what; that is true. They would have charged her at least three times what I charged and I’m pretty sure her work would have been on extension.

And there is a part of me that wants to put all of this into a letter and sent it to her and say look you ignorant woman please get a clue. I have a family to feed and we also have needs. The other part of me just wants to update her payment in my accounting software, print out a new bill, send it to her and move on because I don’t think she’ll understand anything that I would write anyway. I wish I didn’t need the money and could just walk away. It’s very unpleasant for me. I just realized that when I wrote about my family’s needs and wanting to get paid that it really should be I did the work, please pay me. I shouldn’t have to explain or rationalize what the money is for anymore than anyone we pay in the normal course of our lives does. I did something of value for you, please compensate me. Thank you.

I am worthy of that compensation. I bring much value to the universe and can feel the abundance that is flowing to me. Let me be open to the receipt and ownership of that abundance with peace and grace.

Posted by: onefromspirit | February 9, 2010

The first step…

The first blog post. Ah, the desire to fulfill ego and digress into the past revealing all the minute steps that has brought my spirit to this moment. It is not about the past anymore than it is specifically about “my” spirit. The need to write came from how to evolve into the compassionate being that I long to be. In my desire to be mindful and fully focused in my life I started realizing how many tiny issues catch my attention. Some are easy to observe and return to the desired mindfulness but others are not so easy to dissolve. I found that many of those are what we call our pet peeves. I realize that what annoys us most in other people are often issues where we need work.

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